My Color is Green


My color is Green and I chose not to be a victim. I choose this life and I blame nobody for it. I am proud of this journey I’m on although at times it seems to get the best of me. I have finally got my anxiety under control but I’ve never slept so much in my life. Dr. A says this is normal but I am not sure how much I like it. He says slowly but surely we will get all of this under better control. I started on a new med and I truly can tell the difference and it has helped greatly. Unfortunately my insurance will not cover these new meds. It amazes me I’ve struggled with this illness shit for years and usually take a pain pill and carry on. Since refusing to medicate myself like this anymore and take the right things. Meds to treat my disorder now they won’t cover my meds. Is this country twisted or what. I can not believe the fight I’ve had to put up to get the proper help. Doctors who either thought I was drug seeking to those who didn’t care if I was. Inside when  something is telling you something isn’t right don’t sit back and pretend it isn’t happening and don’t let people belittle you into believing your just a drug addict. Figure it out, don’t give up and demand answers. I am not in recovery bc I think it’s fun to say that out loud.  I had to take responsibility for my part in it and demand answers and take the right steps to fix it. The right way. I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor. Although 5 years ago I was a survivor without willpower. I still struggle with willpower . My lack of willpower has caused many bad habits. It would of been and is easier to train yourself to have willpower early in life then it would be to fix all the bad habits your lack of willpower has caused. I know that I had to dig deep to find the willpower I needed to even get started. My children, they have always made me think differently. I have a love for them that I have for nobody else including myself. I have learned though that My relationship with My Higher Power has become far more important than  ANY relationship or love I have in my life. I can NOT express how much it’s changed my life. When I couldn’t find that willpower to save my own life I found it through thoughts of my children. What they have missed out on due to my health mental and physical? What I missed out on with them? I found an anxiety when I thought of them being sick like I am! I can preach to them about drinking and drugging but what about the stuff I have no answers for. When I was well into recovery and felt worse then ever. I couldn’t imagine it and didn’t want to. I knew there had to be a better answer. So maybe I just been a little down and out but at the end of the day I’m NOT a victim. I’m better today than I was yesterday and tomorrow I’ll be better than I was today. I will continue to seek more answers, and continue to fight for my health. I will watch my babies grow up to have families of their own and I will be able to share with them things I ran from to better their lives and their babies lives. I see myself growing, I will overcome and be victorious. I fear no man, The Lord is with me.